A Brief Meeting with the Cats

It’s never good when the cats ask for a sit down.

They were waiting on the kitchen table so we could see eye to eye. Maggie, Maeve, and Mia. I got the ball rolling. “So, what’s up?”

Maggie, the oldest cat, a deadly serious calico, took a step forward. “What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Cat herding.”

“Oh, please. You didn’t really think…”

“Look, I’d appreciate it if you let us talk and just shut up for a change. I know you thought it was funny, but how do you think it makes us feel to get ripped on all the time?”

“All the time? I don’t rip on you all the time.”

“No? The litter box? Cat rental? Maeve’s weight problem? I know the dogs are your little darlings, but c’mon Rob.”

“Don’t take it so seriously. It’s satire.”

Maeve looked more confused than usual. “What’s satire?”

“Satire,” Maggie explained, “ is what closes Saturday night.”

“Besides, I write about the dogs.”

“Yes, and the dogs can do no wrong. The dogs this, the dogs that. The dogs are so freaking brilliant and wonderful. Well, how would you feel if the dogs turned on you? What then?”

The dogs turning on me? Impossible.

“And one more thing, a**hole: don’t write about this. It would be a shame if someone snuck up while you were sleeping and sucked your breath out.”

“That’s just an old wives’ tale.”

“Maybe yes, maybe no. Sleep well, my friend. Sleep well.”

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12 responses to “A Brief Meeting with the Cats

  1. I want everyone to remember this, and remember it well: every time your cat looks at you, the thought goes through its head that it would totally murder you if only it was physically capable of doing so.

    Also, cats are almost as dumb as blog commenters who took offense to “Cat Wrangling.”

    Almost.

  2. That’s funny, Kevin. The only times that my old friend Mindy (RIP) ever gave me that look involved trips to the vet. Why do you believe that your cat wants you gone? (((EVIL LAUGH))))

    You can continue to believe that cats are in the same league with the aforementioned blog commenters. That’s what they want you to think.

  3. Well said, Rob.

    Nobody expects the dogs to turn on them, do they? You can ask why after they bite you, but there’s no point. That’s just what they do.

  4. One day, when you’re late for work and you are putting on your best pair of shoes – and you notice that there’s a couple of dead mice stuffed in the toes of your shoes – look around and see if your cat is giggling. That’s a bad sign, bro. A very BAD sign.

  5. QT: Allegory is a lost art.

  6. After that post, not only did the blog title change from Keyboard Krumbs to Kibble Krumbs, but the writing style and content changed substantially. Almost as if Rob had suddenly disappeared.

  7. u desrv kat pnshmnt

  8. Rob, don’t worry about the cats, for they are bitter little animals who don’t understand where you’re coming from.

  9. Ah, kitty power! Go, cats, go! I am almost always on the cat’s side. Never forget they were worshipped in ancient Egypt and haven’t got over it and why should they? I mean they were worshipped. Would you?

    I swear that cat I had that I referenced in the post under protest had the evil eye. She’d glare at someone and they’d trip or something. Just saying.

    And she used to get jealous of my boyfriends. My first apartment, you had to walk through the vestibule to flick on the light. Pitch black and she was black and you could not see her in the dark. My first serious boyfriend (who I laughed at for being afraid of her, as if he didn’t have reason) came up after an evening of clubbing. I went in ahead of him and just as I flicked on the light, I hear this tremendous crash behind me. I turn around to see the boyfriend sprawled on the floor and the cat sitting near by laughing at him. I swear she was grinning. I cracked the hell up when I realized she had let me through then tripped him. To add insult to injury, any romance for the evening was killed as I spent the rest of the evening laughing at him ’til he gave up and went home.

    Uh, I was not very mature at 19. Moral (no, it’s not grow up): don’t under-estimate the critters. They have it all over dogs and can rule them if need be.

  10. Loved it. Very funny post.

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